Why I hate demons:
1. One of them killed my mom.
2. My Dad is obsessed with them.
3. They ruined my life.
4. They smell like sulfur.
5. They lie and laugh evilly all the time.
6. They have creepy ass black eyes.
7. They take advantage of you when you're weak.
8. They talk too fucking much.
9. They like to torment and tempt humans.
10. They spit out pea soup.
Why I hate flying and planes:
1. I'm not in control when someone else is flying a 20,000-ton tin can.
2. Sammy tells me that I need to relax or I'm going to open myself up to a demonic possession (what the fuck kind of reverse psychology is that?)
3. They have gay men on them who check out my ass and smile at me (other than Sam of course).
4. They have these rinky-dink seats that barely hold my "baby got back" ass. I mean seriously, have you checked out what I got in the trunk?
5. They smell like baby shit and throw up.
6. They have really really small bathrooms that Bitch insisted that we inspect carefully because the demon could be hiding in the trash can, and naturally, his hand accidentally landed on my ass as he shoved me on top of the sink vanity and made us active members of the Mile High Club. He's such a douche...
7. Because demons like to take over planes and make them crash into the ground just for the hell of it.
8. When planes lose cabin pressure due to a demon malfunction it messes up my hair and that is not a good thing.
9. I can't take my gun, knife, or crossbow through security; yet this bastard on the plane next to me was able to bring a Donny and Marie CD that blared through his headphones and into my personal space. I swear to God that I would have blasted him on the principal alone if I had been able to bring my Glock on board. I swear that some people are just so self-centered and wrapped up in their own little worlds. I should sue the bastard for emotional damage. I mean who the fuck listens to Donny and Marie anyway?
10. Because Sammy made me dress up like a flight attendant when it was all said and done and kept telling me that he wanted to ring my call button...again I say, what a fucking DOUCHE!
BTW, Dad's voice mail is suddenly working again. He changed the message leaving word for people to call me on my cellphone if they need help. I guess something good came out of this case after all.
Sam masturbates to this picture of me daily...who can blame him.