My Brother's Keeper

When did I turn into Dean's keeper? When did he become a bum who needs someone to make him wash his clothes, clean out the Impala, and get up before Noon? Before I left for Stanford, Dean took care of everything without being told. He kept Dad's car clean (Dad gave Dean the Impala right after I left), he kept whatever shit hole we were living in at the time clean, he washed all of our clothes, made me breakfast, and basically served as the "little lady" of the Winchester family. However, now that I have returned, Dean is just the opposite. He leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor, and guess who has to kick or throw them out of the way before they can step into the shower...He leaves the toothpaste uncapped and laying around on the bathroom vanity, he never ever wants to change out the toilet paper roll, and he smells to figure out which clothes really need to be washed and which ones can wait another wearing or two before they are washed.

I guess my real question is:
When did Dean become such a guy? I think I liked him better when he was the "lady of the house."
  • Current Music
    Shitty Styx for like the hundredth time this week

A Disturbing Habit

I love Sammy...really I do; not in the biblical sense mind you, but as a brother, a comrade in arms, a best friend, but Sammy has got an annoying habit that I can't fathom. Why the hell would anyone do it when they don't have to? Why would anyone endure the pain and discomfort of doing something so crazy? Should I get him evaluated to make sure he is psychologically sound? Is is possible that years of hunting have caused him to go all One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest on me? Because seriously, I don't know anyone else who does it willingly except for the guy on Dunkin Donuts and I think he died a couple of years back, so why the hell would my brother do  it? Why in God's name would anyone wake up before 5AM when they don't have to? Doesn't he realize that I'm not usually in bed until at least 2AM? What's really concerning to me is that Sammy is often awake after me watching info-commercials and watching the door waiting for some evil bitch to come bursting through; yet, he still gets up at around 4AM. takes a shower, and goes and gets breakfast and coffee for us. I worry about Sammy, but he doesn't think that my concerns are warranted. 

Maybe I should slip him something to make him sleep...tie him up so he can't leave...gag him so he can't cry for help...blindfold him so he can't see me...maybe, I should stop thinking like this if I want to continue not knowing my brother in the biblical way....
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Lake Manitoc's Mystery Solved

I absolutely hate slasher movies, and Friday the Thirteenth is by far the worse piece of cinematic trash ever made, but this case reminded me a lot of Jason, a fact that I'm sure thrills the Jerk to no end. Dean loves any movie with blood, guts, tits, and ass.

Anyway, several people had drowned on the lake over the last year including Andrea's husband. Andrea's son Lucas had seen the whole thing and was distraught over the whole situation. It didn't help that Dean was trying to get into Andrea's pants the entire time, but I admit that Dean handled Lucas well. I was particularly touched when Dean admitted to Lucas that watching Mom die was something that he never truly got over and that he was still emotional traumatized in a way from the whole experience. Lucas and Dean bonded while I saved Andre's life from her woman-eating bathtub, and Dean and I were able to solve the mystery pretty quickly. Unfortunately, by the time we figured out that little Peter had been drowned in a childhood prank gone bad, he had extracted his revenge on Bill's family and only had to finish off Jake's.

In the end, Jake sacrificed his own life to save Lucas, and Andrea and Lucas are getting on with their lives thanks to us. I guess Dean was right when he said that saving people was what we were made to do. It's just too bad that we couldn't save everyone this time. Of course as usual, Dean got a kiss from the girl and made a new best friend in Lucas. I am appalled however that Dean taught that impressible child that Zeppelin rules...everyone knows that Madonna rules, not Zeppelin.

  • Current Music
    Humming Madonna in my head

Return to Crystal Lake

Okay, I'm more of a Michael Myers fan than I am Jason from Friday the Thirteenth, but this latest case has me itching to re-watch some of those Friday movies, even Jason Does Takes Manhattan would do. 

We were up at Lake Manticoc, Wisconsin investigating these mysteries deaths over the last year or so and were wondering why so many people were drowning. At first, I thought it was another Lake Placid with a killer alligator on the loose eating all the victims, but once Sam and I met Jake, Lucas, and Andrea, I knew there was something supernatural going on at that lake.

Sheriff Jake Devins was a nice guy if you didn't count the fact that he was responsible for the death of Peter thirty-five years ago along with his friend Bill. Of course, technically, they were also both responsible for all the other deaths on the lake because little Peter wanted to play the role of Jason Voorhees and extract revenge on both Jake's and Bill's families who “accidentally” killed Peter all those years ago. I think what really pissed Peter off besides the fact that they left him to rot in the lake after they drowned was the fact that they didn’t tell a soul about what they had done to him, and let’s not forget that they buried his bike by the lake, and we all know how kids feel about their bikes…

Jake's family consisted of the oh-so luscious Andrea and her quiet and traumatized son, Lucas. Lucas' father had died by the hands of little Jason a year earlier and Lucas saw the whole thing. Of course, I being the lover of children of all ages proceeded in earning Lucas' trust by telling him about my mom and her death. Next thing I knew, little Lucas was drawing me these cryptic pictures that led Sam and I to the revenge-seeking Peter.

In the end, Jake and Bill both died, Andrea and Lucas were saved, and Peter had extracted his final revenge. I got a kiss from Andrea (I'll be hard for her for a couple of weeks at least), Lucas started talking again and learned that Zeppelin rules, and Sam got to hold a naked wet Andrea in his arms when her bathtub tried to eat her (that's another story for another day...)

I'm pissed that we couldn't save everyone, but at least Lucas is getting on with his life.

Here's a picture of the Jason wannabe:



Why Dean Pisses Me Off

Why does Dean piss me off? Simple because he's a fucking, nasty, little whore who sleeps with anything and everything but me (damn, did I really just type me?)

The other day we were eating out this darling little diner, and we were eating our delicious meals and enjoying each others company when this skanky, bleach blonde walked in with a boob hanging out of her shirt! I swear when she came to the table, she accidentally slapped me with her loose tit when she bent over to smile at Dean, and she didn't have the decency to apologize. She proceeded in jerking off Dean right there in the booth while I looked on in shock. I swear that Dean has got to be the biggest slut in the entire western hemisphere because all he did was sit there with his silly ass "I'm getting fucked" look on his face, and all I could do was give him my "I hope you catch Crabs" look. He calls it my bitchy face, but its really just disgust at his sexual habits. Does it make me a bitch because I don't want to see my brother's pubes while I'm eating? How many people really want to get their brother's semen squirted on them when they're chewing down a chili dog?

Anyway, he's in the shower right now complaining that I cock blocked him, but it’s not my fault that the skank left him hard and wanting more just because I cleared my throat and mumbled “slut” under my breath.

Here is Dean's infamous "I'm getting fucked look". If you encounter it directly you're in for a real show because my whore brother is an exhibitionists. 


Why my Little Brother Cramps my Style

It's only been about five weeks, and I am already ready to kill Sam. I swear on all that is holy that if he cock blocks me again I am going to shove my boot up his ass!

The other day we were eating at this cheap greasy ass diner when this sophisticated, well dressed, intelligent woman walked through the door looking for someone to jack her off (oops, I mean jump her off), and I of course being the hero that I am offered my services. However, Sam gave me his patented "you got to fucking kidding me bitchy look" and the woman of my dreams turned down my attempts at help and grabbed some long-haired Jesse Duke looking man instead. I don't know what it is but archaic old people turn me off to no end, and seeing my Venus walking off into the sunset with that old man made me soft for like the entire night (a record by the way), and it was all the Bitch's fault. I threatened to take out my frustrations on his ass, but like I said, I couldn't get it up, and he spent the next few hours laughing at me and showing me pictures of "Ladies of 60" porn on the lap top. I'M FUCKING SCARRED FOR LIFE!!

For future reference, here's Sam's patented bitch look, and if you ever see it personally, you can forget about getting me, I know from experience.


Why Sammy?

How could he do this to me? Why would he do this to me? Don't I sacrifice everything for him? Don't I offer to wipe his ass if he needs me to? Why would he betray me like this when he knows how important it is to me? It's more important than food, condoms, hell even beer; yet, my little dip shit of a brother has screwed me over yet again!

What am I suppose to do now? How will I ever recover from this traumatic experience? I can't believe I had to go out in public like this...

Why would Sam use the last of my hair gel!!?? Can't that cheap fucker buy his own shit?
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed
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Why Wendigo Suck

Let me start by saying that pretending to be forest rangers in one of Colorado's most dangerous forest is not the smartest of ideas. Jerk insisted on being rangers, and Haley and her brother thought we were the most ill-prepared rangers in the history of the world. Why does Dean insist on us being official macho men who ultimately can't do some aspects of their job (like eating tree back and knowing which berries you can eat) when we could pretend to be students instead? What was wrong with telling Haley that we were college students from Boulder who were out investigating environmental changes in Colorado? I think Dean's just afraid of someone thinking that he is smart, but I got news for you Dean, no one thinks your smart.

Anyway, this is why Wendigo suck:
1. They stink like ass crack when they're walking in the woods.
2. They smell like dog shit when they're on fire.
3. They make really scary sounds and make me act like a girl (Dean even more).
4. They imitate voices and I swear one of them sounded like my old gym teacher from high school who use to check out my ass all the time.
5. They're cannibals who steal peoples' brothers and eat them like a Thanksgiving Feast.

Dean will most likely tell you that he saved the day by catching the Wendigo on fire, but of course he won't give me credit for cutting him down after following his oh-so clever trail of M&Ms and saving him from being a Wendigo's meat-on-a-stick, but instead he will tell you how bad ass he was like Bruce Willis or Charles Bronson (someone is obviously over-compensating...)

Here's a snapshot of Dean doing his bad ass pose. What a jerk-off!


The Trick with a Wendigo is...

I love Colorado, really I do, but why the hell was there a Wendigo at Blackwater Ridge? I can understand a Grizzly, a panther, hell even Bigfoot, but why the fuck was a Wendigo there? They are so fucking hard to kill; only fire will do the trick, and no amount of guns, knives, or rock salt will help.

Anyway, we go to Blackwater to investigate some coordinates Dad left hoping that he was waiting for us with a case of Bud and some strippers, but no luck. For three days, all I heard was Sam (the bitch) complaining about Dad not being there, wanting revenge on the demon, and moaning and groaning because I wanted to help a family find their brother. Haley and Cory wanted to find their missing brother, and I volunteered our services, is that so bad? It didn't hurt that Haley was a little firecracker with a decent rack. She was a little on the skinny side but she brought out the honesty in me.

There was this prick named Roy out there with us who thought he was God's gift to hunting, but that man didn't know a Wendigo from his hairy ass and it got his neck snapped in the process. Lesson learned: NEVER EVER SHOOT AT A WENDIGO (they bite back).

Haley and I were captured by the Wendigo, dragged to its lair in an old abandoned mine, and strung up like a side of beef next to Haley's missing brother. Thanks to my ingenious M&M trick, Sam was able to find us, cut us down, and I saved the day (as usual) with my trusty flare gun. The smell was awful; nothing like burnt Wendigo, but we survived to see another day.

Luckily, I had my cellphone camera and snapped a shot of the ugly ass bastard for the world to see:

Reunited Against My Will

It all started on Halloween night. I was with Jess getting ready to make mad passionate love when Dean shows up out of nowhere, throws me on the floor, and starts humping my leg like a horny dog (it actually felt pretty good). Anyway, I agree to join him in our search for Dad only so he would stop looking at Jess like she was a chili cheese burger with extra onions..I swear that boy only has sex on the brain; it's amazing he's survived this long.

We went on the road trip from Hell where Dean forced me to listen to Mullet Rock and told me to shut my cake hole (what a jerk...some things never change). Anyway, we committed credit card fraud, pretended to be US Marshals (against my better judgment), Dean got arrested, I met a man who looked suspiciously like that astronaut from Life-Force, I almost got killed by a woman in white, I wrecked Dean's precious sex machine (I will never hear the end of it, I swear), and it was my fault that the lady was killed by her children (Dean will try to take credit for this, but I was the one who drove the car into the dead ladies' house).

Dean drove me home later, complained about his stomach hurting because of a burrito he ate for dinner, but I told him that he couldn't drop a log in my toilet, so he headed off to the nearest QuikTrip. I walked inside, found cookies Jess had baked, and found myself looking at the ceiling shocked as the woman of my dreams was killed by a demon-made inferno. Dean, as usual, ignored my "not dropping a log in my toilet" statement and came bursting through the door to save me from burning alive.

Now I'm stuck on the road with Dean, we're looking for Dad, and I can't wait to get my hands on the yellow-eyed bastard who did this to my family and to Jess.

Talk at you later jerk-ass AKA as jerkhunter